Day 55
Friends, family, followers of Catie’s on-going journey,
Tonight we offer you our prayers as a family and a reminder that there is a little saint in heaven who is timelessly ready to carry your wishes, prayers, and intentions to our Father so that He can shower you with His abundant blessings. And for those of you that may have forgotten Catie’s 1000 kilowatt smile,remember to check out her photopages. Do you really think that He will say no to her when she looks up at Him like that? I know that I couldn’t.
This week was a challenging one. Christine and I have different experiences as we travel along. She is reminded daily of Catie and of the vacuum her death has placed in our lives as people ask her how she is doing, or tell her that they know how she feels. With the close bonds that she created and maintains from other St. Jude mothers, she is still plugged in to life there and hears or reads about kids that are not doing well and kids that are. Both types of stories can cause pain. Seeing someone else go through the decline and eventual death of their child brings all of the feelings of months ago back to the surface. Hearing about a child that has beaten their disease and that God answered their prayers, while wonderful news in its own right, causes us to ask the question that has no earthly answer; “why them and not Catie?” On the other hand, I can go weeks at a time without anyone that I meet in my everyday asking about Catie or about how we are all dealing as a family. While it allows me to not be reminded of her absence constantly, it also causes me to wonder if the people that I see have forgotten about Catie. While I know that is not reality, many feelings that we have are not based on reality but on our own attitude. Thursday night for example as I returned home from a trip where I had to advise people that I respected and cared about that they were losing their employment, I was less than receptive to Christine as we attempted to work through what we each were experiencing, and so I attempted to apologize.
“Please forgive me. I have and can offer no excuse for getting upset and lashing out at the one person who I have avowed before God to care for, love, and protect. How unfortunate that I have to protect you at times from myself. The weight has returned full force and I can only surmise that the combination of your sadness, the coast to coast journey, its related sleep deprivation and associated task, and my own feelings of loss for Catie are the reasons. I sit here today with mountains of work that in reality could be overcome quickly with a clear headed head-on approach, and I look at an e-mail in-box with more than a screenful of other tasks and I can’t bring myself to do anything other than sit, cry, wallow, and avoid it all”.
With all the love I have
K
Christine is the love of my life and the absolute answer to every prayer that I offered to God about a person that would allow me to share their life. She is as thoughtful as any person I have ever met, and is harder on herself than most. As a result, her tolerance level for herself with things that she believes should be done is anemic at best. My attempts to raise her up with words of affirmation are equally anemic. “Catie, please help your dad to understand that what he should do is work alongside his bride until the task is complete instead of telling her that she is amazing for what she has already done.” See, praying to Catie is something I do! “Now run along little daughter and talk God into giving your dad the grace he needs to be the husband he is supposed to be!”
There is no magic to living the life He has called us to. There is just our own acceptance of who and where we are and that He loves us and is in this journey with us. What more do we need?
We wanted to share the following with you. Here is a link to an article that was published Tuesday in the Times-Herald about the fund raiser last weekend. Melissa the reporter did a great job in capturing the event as well as Catie’s Legacy wish. http://www.timesherald.com/articles/2009/03/17/life/doc49bfd84c140a4216138717.txt Just copy and paste it.
Know that you all continue to be in our thoughts and prayers. Happy 1st day of spring, the season where God reminds all of us who are willing to look for His presence that He is with us.
Christine, Kevin, Maggie, Max, Mia, Molly, and M.E.
