It’s 2am and I am tired, why am I awake?

Today was a day of tears. The tears fell for a variety of reasons. The first tears fell at Mass this morning. When I kneel before the cross of my Savior I am always humbled by His love for me, as He looks down for the cross. If only for me, He would have died. I say I love – but do my actions speak as clearly as my words?? The second tears fell as I hugged Mia good-bye. She is my sweet darling. She made so many strides last year in Kindergarten. She seems to need or require so little, on the surface, as she smiles and chit chats with anyone about anything. She is filled with joy and yet she misses nothing. She knows when things aren’t right even if she doesn’t understand why or how to fix them. I truly delight in Mia, born on my birthday she is truly a gift to me. She reminds me to laugh and relax. As soon as we left the airport, Catie asked to call her dad. After she spoke with Kevin, I spoke with him. He was tired. I could sense it, yet there was nothing that I could do. I wiped away more tears of helplessness. Then I heard Catie crying. It is so hard to say good-bye. Catie compared saying good-bye to Mia to her dad and realized saying good-bye to Kevin was harder and she stopped crying. Mom and Dad are here. Mom and I discussed the few plans that we have for the time ahead of us. The fourth tears fell as I realized I am her child and as I long to be there for the five at home she longs to comfort me – her child. I will always be her child. The final tears as I began to type tonight’s message. The thoughts are so obvious, the practice so difficult.

For those of you who know me tears do not fall without pain. I am not comfortable crying. I will letthe tears fall. I can’t keep them all in my eyes. I wipe them away. More fall. This is always better when I am with Kevin. He is my everything here on this earth. With Kevin’s arms around me I am safe and loved and there really isn’t anything worth getting upset over. Only right now we aren’t together. We are 1100 miles apart. Please understand that I prayed for Kevin, for this amazing man to come into my life for years. And one day there he was and I have never been the same. We have known each other for 32 years. We have been together – spending everday together for 16 and have been married for almost 12 glorious years. We do fight. Mostly I fight and Kevin listens. We do disagree, but not on any of the important things like God, faith and family. Really what else is there?? We laugh. That is one of the things that distance strains – the laughter. Kevin helps me to laugh at myself in almost every situation. I delight in making him laugh. Sometimes I am intentionally outrageous just to make him laugh. We love spending time together. We walk together – ask anyone who has lived one any of the cul-de-sacs we’ve lived on -hand in hand we walk every night. We talk, laugh, dream, pray and listen to one another. Even with six kids we make us the priority in our lives. So where am I without Kevin near me – I am lost. And so is he. Each of us is where we are trying to do all that we can each day to get that day finished and bring ourselves one day closer to being together again. Together as a couple, as best friends, as a family and as a gifts that God has given to each of us. If you had that, and I pray you all do, wouldn’t your tears fall to be without that gift for even one day?

OK, so there were many tears. Whatam Igoing to do about them? Well they could keep falling and I could keep wiping them away. Remember a couple of weeks ago Kevin was going to put everyone in the car and drive here, but her went to church instead and prayed. Well that is what I did. I thought about Catie’s tears. I thought about what my tears were saying to her. See ultimately, when Catie receives treatment she is alone. The nurse comes and gets Catie and she goes alone to receive her treatment. Does she feel alone? Lonely? Scared? Does she want anything to be different? I don’t know. Catie doesn’t complain. Not about anything, I take that back she complains about Mia repeating things over and over and over again. At the hospital she doesn’t complain. That thought brought me to wonder if she complains to God about what is happening or even if she prays for herself?

If I am doing all that I can for Catie, shouldn’t I be showing her the way to Jesus during this time of trail in her own life? I told my mother that I am really at peace and full of trust in the Lord about Catie’s situation. Currently, I am requesting that God take care of the other five kids and Kevin. I can’t, but God can. If I am truly putting all my trust in the Lord for Catie’s future I have to show her how to also. Does she already know the waybecause she is a child? How do Iexplain to Catie that God didn’t create us, “breathe life into us” so that He could leave us alone in our time of need and see how we’d do? He created us to love us and in turn learn to return His love for us by loving one another and loving HIM. That needs to be where our focus is – we have to show Catie the way. We all need to show Catie the way, so that she can put her trust in the Lord. Forultimately she is facing this alone with the Lord and we are all just supporting her. We need to teach her by our example. Please put all your trust in the Lord. Please pray to Blessed Francis Xavier Seloos on Catie’s behalf. Please light a candle for Catie so that we can light up the map on the website and show Catie that every light signifies prayers for her. Please spread that word to others and share with all of your family and friends.

Let’s turn all of todays tears into candles!!!

Dear God, I pray as we approach day 20 (the end of the radiation on Catie’s brain) that you know what is best for Catie. That you have heard all of the prayers offered for your daughter Catie. That the words written in these messages are pleasing to you and are bringing many closer to you through their desire to pray for Catie. Please protect all of us Lord and one day lead all of us home to You. Amen.

Thank you all for your continued support and prayers.

God Bless,

Christine, Kevin, Maggie (10), Max (9), Catie (7), Mia (6), Molly (4) and M.E. (2)

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