Round 1
We, however, didn’t come her for vacation we came here for chemo and Round 1 was about to begin. As I attempted to prepare myself for today in the shower I continued to see a parallel between Round 1 chemo and the first round of a boxing match. I had to take a moment to run out and pick up a few needed items at the local RiteAid and when I returned Catie was no longer playing and chatting she was back in bed with the bed raised high off the ground and Kevin standing nearby and Catie’s nurse wearing paper protective coverings over her nurses uniform. Round 1 chemo. Catie was given three chemo drugs today. We watched these drugs be pushed into Catie’s lines and waited for their effects to hit Catie. The first anticipated reaction we didn’t receive. It would have been a quick drop in Catie’s blood pressure. The next reaction to the next medication was nausea and vomiting – Catie gave us this.
Once a second dose of medication, to diminish the effects of chemo meds, was given, Catie went to sleep. This is the best possible scenario. Sleep through as much of Round 1 Day -4 as you can. Once everything is cleaned up and Catie is sleeping the tears begin for me. “This is horrible. How can we subject to her this. Just yesterday she was so great. Didn’t you see how great she was? Were you paying attention? Why are we doing this? Does anyone really know if this will heal her? Does chemo even work against an AT/RT?” I sob non-stop on Kevin for what seemed like an hour.
I have been with Catie since the beginning. I have held Catie’s hand each time she has been sedated. I have told her the results of every test she has had. I have been with her as she recovered in Hershey Medical Center, as she was evaluated by other doctors before deciding on St. Jude’s, as she underwent initial tests at St. Jude’s and I waited for her during each of her 31 radiation treatments. I have learned to flush lines, change dressings, give injections and clean surgical wounds. Today with Kevin around I left two times; each time I missed something. There is a helplessness in not being in control. There is peace with surrender. Today I felt helpless and out of control and so were my emotions.
I have lost my control of my emotions from moment to moment during the past 4 1/2 months but never felt emotionally out of control. Today I did. Today, maybe because I was not going through this alone, I let my guard down and by the grace of God I found peace again. Kevin engulfed me within his arms and although my tears continued the fact that I was alone through so much of this was washed away/ wiped away like my tears. That fact will remain and it will be our reality from time to time throughout this process but being alone and being in control are facades.
Being alone is a choice to not share yourself or your circumstances with others. Being in control is really beyond the reach of any of us. Life may seem in control for you, I pray you offered a prayer of thanksgiving. Control belongs, in my mind, with my Creator – God. I have found through the love that I am blessed to share with Kevin that I can still be alone, if I chose to keep him at arms length, and I’d prefer to have his arms around me. I have also found that being out of control or in control all depends on your circumstances. Thankfully, I have shared moments, over the past 4 1/2 months, with Catie and Kevin and the other fabulous five laughing out of control and delight in those memories. We have also been blessed over the same time period to explain in a matter of control, to this same family, with children ranging in ages from 10 – 2, that Catie and Mom are leaving to go to St. Jude’s to hopefully save Catie and provide knowledgeable doctors with needed information to aid in curing this disease.
At this moment I am alone, watching Catie sleep. Kevin is off somewhere within the hospital making me a cup of tea. As I sit here. no beepers are going off. No alarms are ringing. No noise can be heard, except the pumps infusing medication into Catie’s body. She peacefully sleeps and when life takes you to moments like this I pray that you notice them, appreciate them and give praise to God for them. Our darling, Catie, made it through Round 1, day -4 and she is peacefully sleeping. God is good…
God Bless from St. Jude’s,
Christine, Kevin and Catie
P.S. Maggie, Max, Mia, Molly and M.E. take good care of Mom-Mom and Da for us. We love you, Mom and Dad
