God Knows What He is Doing
Tonight I had no direction. No plan of action to complete or list to cross things off and so I sat and thought about the update that I had just read. I thought about the overwhelming sense of anguish and helplessness I feel when I know that Kevin is sad and I am not with him. I thought about how I was feeling as I have been dealing with Catie and her new found spring of tears. I do not feel helpless when Catie cries but rather grateful that I am here and at moments concerned about the time that is not spent eating and a tiny bit of “is she going to get so sad that she will get sick to her stomach?”
I am not usually comfortable with tears. Laughter is my thing. However, my own tears do fall more these days than ever and yet there is always a reason behind the tears. Don’t cry at St. Jude’s – have I already written about that day and the onslaught of nurses who came to comfort me when I was just sad. As I sit in the hospital and wait it is not getting any easier. The GCsF is not dripping any quicker and the schedule is still not any more efficient. I am beginning to understand why so many parents/adults look like zombies – they detach to deal. You can’t stand up in the hospital and yell “would you please stop chatting about the fact that you have a social life and it is not going the way you would like it to go and give my child the required medication that she needs and be a little sensitive to the fact that neither she nor I have a choice about being at the hospital and neither of us is being paid to administer drugs.” I would if I thought it would change anything.
I am always willing to make something better. I am always willing to change and that may seem to many as though I am unhappy or not satisfied. I must admit that is right I am not satisfied. I want to keep pushing myself to be better, kinder, more thoughtful, more loving, more gentle, more generous with my praise and less generous with my criticism. I also push Kevin and our kids too. I am sure if you ask my siblings and parents I push them too – you can do more, serve more. Isn’t that the message that we are given each day that we leave Mass – go forth to love and serve the Lord. The only way we can do that is through each other. Many people may see this as unsettling. I am not unsettled. I am deeply in love with my God, my Faith, my husband and my family. I know I won’t stop trying to make things better until were are all in Heaven together. I would not rest until then, here on earth I will rest on Sunday’s. Remember “the Saints cry over lost time.”
I’ve been told that I am judgmental. That may be. I think that I am just willing to say “Hey this is not right, not thoughtful, not very considerate, not very kind, not what I believe Jesus would do” and I don’t think that that many people say or doing anything about a situation that is difficult, wrong, unfortunate, or down right thoughtless as the result of someone else’s actions. I do. Why? Because I am trying to teach 6 children how I see a situation, how I feel about a situation and how, if they are ever in that situation, I expect them to handle themselves. I am teaching them at every moment that you can always be more kind, generous, loving or thoughtful if you stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about someone else.
So after I thought about how I felt and I thought about Kevin’s parting words that Catie is doing so well because of all the care I am giving her. I stood up and cleaned the apartment. I cleaned out drawers and tossed papers. I cleaned out Catie’s schedules and all of my comments. I then came across the two ID pictures that I have of Catie. The one is for the pool. It was taken in May just before Catie showed signs of illness. Her face is flush from heat. She is tired and yet you can see the energy and excitement of a child in her eyes. The other id is her class photo from last year. Her hair was shorter – shoulder length. She is not tired – her smile is nervous but happy. You can tell that she is pleased with herself. In both photos Catie looks like Catie but her eyes of the eyes of an innocent child. That look is gone now. Much of her innocence seems lost but it has been replaced by a cool confidence that doesn’t usually belong to a seven year old. That “I know I can handle this look” belongs to Catie. If you ask her she will tell you that she has confidence in herself to do what needs to be done to beat this cancer. She also has absolute confidence in God to answer her prayer and cure her. We need to stop any of our worrying and take the fear out of our eyes and replace that fear with absolute confidence in GOD! We need to have the faith of a child, (Mark 10:15, which has Jesus saying, “Truly I tell you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will never enter it.” )
As I looked into her sweet little innocent eyes my tears began. Where did you go? Why God did she have to go? How can even you Lord create good out of this? Why would you separate Kevin and I – we love each other so dearly and thrive in each others company? Why not a couple that has difficulty speaking kindly to each other – separate them maybe distance will make their hearts grow fonder? Why did you take a mother from her little girls? Why would you take a mother away from her tweens – if anyone needs a mother it is the tweens? What is going to come of this? How are we going to put our family back together again? How much more is Catie going to have to endure? How much am I going to have to watch and calm her through and then deal with alone?
As I sat on the floor the tears that I thought would really start to pour stopped and the most serene feeling came over me. God knows what He is doing. It is like going the supermarket in CT Stew Leonards. As you walk into the store etched in stone is written Customer Service Policy #1 The customer is always right. #2. If a customer is ever wrong re-read rule #1. We need to remember and we need to keep reminding our kids and we need to keep reminding others that this is TOO BIG for us but it is just the right size for GOD. God knows what He is doing. He has our whole family in His hand and because He is God He can do that even if two of us are 1400 miles away from the rest of you. We can only live this and not get overwhelmed by the odds and the statistics and the percentages if we pray more. So what am I going to do…I am going to pray more and I am going to ask Catie to pray more and all of you to pray even more for Catie and for the children that are fighting for their lives.
God Bless from St. Jude’s,
Christine and Catie
