Expectations and Time
As I prepare to go home I realize that it will be an adjustment for Catie. I begin to prepare her. I start asking her to gather and carry her own things. I ask her to wait, to do something for me before we spend the day doing the things that she wishes to do. Catie struggles with these directions. She forget her hat – remember she has a slight sunburn. She says it doesn’t matter. It does matter because you have sunburn and I asked you to bring it. She struggles with being corrected. She likes knowing what is expected of her and doing just that. When we are home I tell her I will focus my attention on the other kids who have not had my attention 24/7 since June. She says that is OK. But is it? Catie is concerned about life at home.. She is still concerned that people are staring at her. I assured her that they always were – especially when she matches all her sisters. She knows what to expect here and how people treat her – home is an unknown.
Today’s highlights, Catie went to Mass and prayed out loud for the success of Mia, Max and Maggie’s first day of school. Then we completed radiation treatment number 29. Yeah! 2 more to go. We booked our flights, we will be come from 8/28 to 9/29. We began packing our apartment. We went to Ultimate Pizza with Hunter and his sister, Rebecca. Hunter’s mom treated and the three spent three hours watching parts of Yours, Mine and Ours (the original with Henry Fonda and Lucille Ball) and playing at the arcade. Kevin, the director of entertainment, gave them the thumbs up to come back anytime they wanted. Kevin is another of Catie’s fans. We received a lot of mail. Please hold off sending anymore as we will not be here. Then we attempted to talk to the kids to find out how their first days went and things became difficult. After hanging up the phone upset and frustrated with Kevin, Catie and I said her prayers and Catie went to bed early as we have to be at the hospital at 7:30am. I sat and prayed. I was too upset to do anything else. Knowing that Kevin was upset made things worse. Then I opened the computer to begin the broadcast and received a note from Kevin in my in-box.
My darling,
As I sit to write the next verse of the next chapter, I am at a loss. We have news to impart, Catie and Christine will be home Thursday at 4pm after 50 days away. We should be thrilled, but instead, we are lashing out at each other. I am sorry that you ever have technology issues, and I am sorry that I am not capable of doing anything about them. I am sorry that I ever disappoint you or am not able to do what you want, when you want, the way you want. You get upset and use the trump card of, “but I told you how I wanted it done and you didn’t do it.” News flash, I am far from perfect. You have changed me a whole lot over 16 years, and I am still a work in progress. I cannot update the world on what is going on without you. We have had our struggles in the last 3 months, however by the time we got to writing the update, we had reconciled. This is supposed to be a prayer to God and our “family”, and just like in the gospel, we cannot offer anything to God if we have a dispute with our neighbor. I love you with all my heart and wish to go on living this life with you, for I am nothing without you. I surrendered my life to you and God years ago, and have tried to live that vow by surrendering daily ever since. My existence is entwined in our love for each other and God, and I thank you for taking the leap of faith and joining me for this journey, (even if I have an apostrophe in my name and it makes it difficult to deal when some computers register the ‘ and some do not, those computers can be so literal). I await your response and your return. I love you and cannot wait to see you even though I just left you. I will do all that I can to make yours and Catie’s homecoming memorable, stress-free, and joyful. If anything is not the way you want it, please let me know and I will do my best to fix it. Please be patient with me, I have a child with cancer, and I do not get to see her or talk to her often, and I have a wife and a best friend who I long to see every minute of every day, and they are away from me. I know that you miss the other 5, and I am thrilled for you that you will see them in 66 hours. They love you too, and just want their mom home. Thank you for all you have done to care for Catie and my best friend.
Love,
Me
When you love another, you may think of your needs first from time to time, but when they are hurt you hurt more because they hold you heart within theirs. Remember you gave it to them when you said I do. Each day I would give my heart to Kevin again if he didn’t already have it.
I love you,
Christine
P.S. It is 8:22 and we are done Catie’s first appointment Assessment Triage. Catie has gained a 1/2 lb and her blood pressure is great. She is happy and thrilled about going home. It is a measurable happiness!! We have more appointments throughout the day – we are scheduled at the hospital unitl 4pm. If there is any other news we will tell you tomorrow. God Bless! Peace, Christine
Please continue to visit Catie on her guestbook page. She loves to read the notes you send her! If there is a message that you wish to send to just Christine or Kevin, please use their email addresses because we love to hear from you as well. (Notes on the guestbook are public, notes to Christine and Kevin are private.)
